Language is a living, breathing thing, and it's been evolving beautifully. We're becoming more aware, more thoughtful, about how we speak about each other, and that's a really good thing. At the heart of this shift is a growing understanding of inclusivity, and a big part of that is recognizing that everyone has the right to define themselves and to be addressed with pronouns that feel right to them.
For a long time, our conversations have often defaulted to 'he' or 'she,' and while those are perfectly valid for many, they don't capture the full spectrum of human identity. This can feel exclusionary, especially for transgender, nonbinary, and gender-queer individuals who may not identify with those binary options. The good news is, it's easier than you might think to be more mindful and inclusive in our language.
So, what exactly are gender-neutral pronouns? Simply put, they are pronouns that don't specify the gender of the person they refer to. While 'they/them/theirs' is probably the most widely recognized and increasingly common gender-neutral option, it's not the only one. You might encounter others like 'ze/hir/hirs,' 'xe/xem/xyrs,' 'ver/vir/vis,' or 'te/tem/ter.' It's worth noting that some people who identify as nonbinary might still use 'she/her' or 'he/him' if those feel most authentic to them. The key takeaway? It's about respecting individual identity.
How do we actually use these? It's much like using any other pronoun, just with a bit more intentionality. For 'they/them/theirs,' it's quite seamless. Instead of saying, "I spoke to the manager, and he said he'd get back to me," you could say, "I spoke to the manager, and they said they'd get back to me." Or, "Someone left their umbrella behind" instead of "his umbrella." It feels natural once you get the hang of it.
Let's look at some of the less common ones, just to get a feel for them. If someone uses 'ze/hir/hirs,' you'd say: "Where did ze go?" "This book belongs to hir." "Ze is coming to the party, and ze's bringing snacks." For 'xe/xem/xyrs': "I think xe is very talented." "Could you give this to xem?" "That idea is xirs." And for 'ver/vir/vis': "Ver is always so helpful." "I borrowed vir's pen." "That's vis favorite color."
Now, the big question: how do we know which pronouns to use? The most respectful approach is to listen and observe. If someone shares their pronouns, great! Use them. If you're unsure, the safest and kindest bet is to simply use their name. "I'll ask Alex about that" is always a good fallback. Trying to guess can sometimes lead to misgendering, which can be hurtful. Instead of directly asking someone their pronouns right off the bat – which can sometimes feel like an assumption or put them on the spot – a wonderful way to create an open environment is to share your own first. "Hi, I'm Sam, and my pronouns are he/him." This invites others to share theirs if they feel comfortable, without any pressure.
In group settings, like meetings, you could create a space for sharing: "Before we dive in, let's go around and share our names and pronouns, if you're comfortable." This gives everyone agency. And don't forget the power of your digital presence! Including your pronouns in your email signature, social media bio, or professional profiles can normalize the practice and make it easier for others to know how to refer to you.
One small but important linguistic note: try to steer clear of the term "preferred pronouns." It can subtly imply that someone's gender identity is a choice or a preference, rather than an intrinsic part of who they are. Instead, phrases like "What are your pronouns?" or "How would you like me to refer to you?" are much more affirming.
Ultimately, this is all about fostering a more welcoming and understanding world, one conversation at a time. It's about showing up for each other with respect and kindness, and language is a powerful tool in that journey.
